A few years back I gave a presentation on the importance of forgiving other people. At one point I spoke about how Jesus taught us to forgive those who hurt us 70 times 7 times. When I said this, a woman raised her hand. She was worried that following Jesus’ teaching made a person vulnerable to abuse. She thought that forgiving a person for hurting us repeatedly actually encouraged them to hurt us again. I couldn’t help but wonder if she or someone close to her had been a victim of domestic violence.
I explained to her that while Jesus does want us to be generous in forgiving, he does not want us to be a punching bag. I pointed out that many times Jesus himself avoided being hurt or abused. There were times that people wanted to stone him or throw him off a cliff, and Jesus escaped. There were certain places were Jesus knew that the people were hostile to him, and he avoided those places. Mary and Joseph had to flee their homeland with the infant Jesus so that King Herod couldn’t kill him. And Jesus taught his disciples to shake dust from their feet and leave those towns that rejected their ministry.
There are times when you and I, in imitation of Jesus, need to avoid hurtful situations. Jesus taught us to love ourselves as we love our neighbors. Stopping hurtful behavior is one way we love ourselves. It’s okay to say “No” to those who would abuse or hurt us. To do that is to say, “I love myself too much to let you treat me like that. And I love you too much to let you treat me like that.”
To love, you see, is to do whatever is necessary to help a person become all that God created him or her to be. But allowing ourselves to be hurt doesn’t do that. And allowing someone else to hurt us doesn’t do that either. Therefore, to allow ourselves to be abused isn’t loving at all.
Yet many good Christian people think that it is. They recall that Jesus told them to turn the other cheek; to forgive seventy times seven times; and to take up their crosses and follow him. They conclude that they must accept abusive suffering in their life. They may even think it makes them into a martyr or a saint.
But it doesn’t make them into a saint; it makes them into a doormat. I know that this may be challenging for some people to hear. For instance, I’m well aware than in the past, women in painful relationships were told by well-intentioned priests and others that they needed to prayerfully accept their situation, because they were bound by the sacrament of marriage. I know that a lot of hurt resulted from this.
In her book, The Ant Hills, our own St. Hugh’s author Peggy Rooney speaks about how she, at one point in her life, found herself in an abusive relationship. One evening she was taking part in a group counseling session. Someone asked her why she allowed her husband to treat her the way he did. She replied that because she was married, it must somehow be God’s will. A young man with a mental illness was seated next to her. He looked at Peggy and said “Lady, you must be crazier than I am!” With time, she came to appreciate the ironic truth of that statement.
There are times in our life when we need to avoid suffering. Yet what about Jesus' Passion, which is the focus of our liturgy today? Jesus suffered in a terrible way, and surely he could have avoided it. Instead of going to the Garden of Gethsemane after the Last Supper, he could have quietly skipped town. But why didn’t he?
St. Paul tells us why in today’s reading from Philippians when he says that Jesus became “obedient to the point of death.” Jesus suffered out of obedience to God’s will; Jesus suffered in order to fulfill God’s plan for our redemption; Jesus suffered that our sins might be forgiven; Jesus suffered that we might live forever; Jesus suffered to give us an example of his love.
Like Jesus, there are times we cannot and should not avoid suffering, because in some mysterious way it is part of God’s plan for our life.. At these times, we need to accept it willingly, courageously, and with faith in God’s goodness and love. Consider the prophecy of Jesus in today’s first reading, from Isaiah. The author speaks of being beaten, tortured, and spat upon. But in the next breath he says, “The Lord God is my help. Therefore I am not disgraced.” He trusted while he suffered.
Suffering is inevitable in the fallen world Jesus came to redeem; it’s an unavoidable part of our human condition, this side of heaven. Even more, God sometimes allows suffering to teach us. There are some things God can teach us only through suffering. I look back upon my marriage and I see that our greatest growth as a couple has come through periods of suffering in which Stephanie and I learned to trust God and to really love each other. Such suffering isn’t punishment. “God does not punish,” said Mother Teresa. But God does teach. And that’s the difference.
This means that as Christians, we can find meaning in suffering. At the same time, we know there is meaningless suffering, such as when we allow ourselves to be hurt when Jesus really wants us to protect ourselves. And so we need to discern the difference between the two. Jesus didn’t embrace all suffering. He embraced it only when it was God’s will. “Father, take this cup away from me,” Jesus prayed in Gethsemane, “but not what I will, but what you will.”
As Christians, we avoid suffering when we can, yet accept it when it’s God’s will. It was God’s will that Jesus suffer his Passion. Yet it was also God’s will that Jesus should rise again. And that, ultimately, is also his will for us.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Fifth Sunday of Lent
Consider, just for a moment, the woman at the center of today’s gospel drama. Scripture presents her to us as nameless and faceless, and we can only speculate about the circumstances that led to her predicament. What we do read is that she stood face-to-face with Jesus, guilty of a “sin of the flesh.” Her fate rests in his hands, and most probably she’s filled with terror, thinking that Jesus wants her stoned like all the other men who encircle her. How grateful and dumbstruck she must have been when Jesus received her with gentleness and mercy, sending her away with nothing more than an admonition not to sin again.
In a similar fashion, there are many people today, conscious of having sinned, who find themselves terrified at the prospect of facing Jesus. Like the gospel woman, they confuse Jesus with the stone throwers. And so they go to great lengths to avoid him, and the run away if they think he’s getting too close. Why is this? It’s possible that they’re literally overwhelmed with guilt. You might say that they’re paralyzed by guilt. Maybe some of us here this morning are paralyzed with guilt!
But being paralyzed by guilt is not what Jesus wants for us. Instead, Jesus wants our guilt to be a “call to action.” He wants us to face it and decide to make a real and positive change in our lives. Because Jesus knows that when we do this we will know freedom, enjoy peace, and restore our self-respect.
This has been the experience of the Irish rock band, U2. Now their music may or may not be your cup of tea. However, their lead singer, Bono, is an internationally respected advocate for the world’s poor and needy. He even met with Pope John Paul II about these issues, and I happen to know for a fact that he’s on Cardinal McCarrick’s Christmas card list. With refreshing honesty, Bono attributes his activism, at least in part, to guilt. “One thing I am very sure about,” he admits, is that I’m a spoiled rock star.” “I’m over-paid, over-nourished, and over-dressed. And I’m sure that the work that the band and I do is some kind of Catholic guilt. But it’s working, so I’ll continue with it!”
Guilt, in other words, can be a good thing. Unfortunately, it has something of a “bad rap” there days. Pop psychology tries to convince us that guilt is unhealthy. It’s something we need to ignore or eliminate so we can feel good about ourselves! In reality, however, a person unable to feel guilt is not healthy, but a sociopath.
Now this is not to say that there’s not unhealthy guilt. There certainly is! Guilt is unhealthy when we cling to it long after we should have let it go. When we endlessly beat ourselves up for something we did long ago, and keep ourselves from getting on with life, our guilt is unhealthy.
Unhealthy guilt can also arise when we forget that although we are responsible for our actions, we are NOT responsible for how other people respond or react to what we do. In other words, just because someone is angry with us does not mean that we’ve actually done something wrong. Just because we feel guilty doesn’t mean that we ARE guilty.
Another source of unhealthy guilt is perfectionism. When we set impossible standards for ourselves and fail to meet them, we feel guilty as a result. But if you think about it, this really is pride at work, because sometimes it’s easier to feel guilty than it is to admit that we’re less than perfect.
Healthy guilt, on the other hand, is a sign that our conscience is active and that we’re in touch with reality. It means, at a very fundamental level, that we can tell right from wrong. Healthy guilt leads us to change our behavior; it compels us to repair any damage we may have done, or heal any hurt we may have caused; and it moves us to seek the forgiveness of God, the forgiveness of others, and to forgive ourselves. Healthy guilt does not keep us trapped in the past. Instead, it inspires us to move forward and build a better future.
When we feel guilty, there are some things we can and should do to address the situation. First of all, we need to take a long, hard look at our guilt and see if it is healthy or unhealthy. If it is unhealthy, we need to make a conscious effort to gently, firmly, and consistently stop the thought patterns that contribute to our guilt.
If our guilt is healthy, however, we need to bring it before God by making a good confession in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. If guilt makes us feel bad, then making a confession can certainly make us feel good! But confession is more than just about feelings. It’s about liberating us from the past and healing our friendship with God, which in turn gives us hope for the future.
Second, facing our guilt should impel us to try to make up for the wrongs we’ve done. Sometimes this springs from a penance given in confession. At other times, however, it comes from our own initiative. In practice, perhaps we can directly redress some harm we’ve caused, such as by asking forgiveness from a person we’ve hurt. Or maybe the best we can do is simply add to the world’s goodness, knowing that we’re responsible for some of the world’s hurt. I know of a woman who felt terribly guilty after refusing to help a homeless woman with a sick child in her arms. She never did see that woman again. But now she never refuses her help to those who need it.
My friends, the bottom line is: If you are feeling guilty this morning, please don’t ignore it, and please don’t cling to it. Instead, give it to Jesus. There is nothing he cannot or will not forgive! And he can use your guilt to change you, so you in turn can change your world.
In a similar fashion, there are many people today, conscious of having sinned, who find themselves terrified at the prospect of facing Jesus. Like the gospel woman, they confuse Jesus with the stone throwers. And so they go to great lengths to avoid him, and the run away if they think he’s getting too close. Why is this? It’s possible that they’re literally overwhelmed with guilt. You might say that they’re paralyzed by guilt. Maybe some of us here this morning are paralyzed with guilt!
But being paralyzed by guilt is not what Jesus wants for us. Instead, Jesus wants our guilt to be a “call to action.” He wants us to face it and decide to make a real and positive change in our lives. Because Jesus knows that when we do this we will know freedom, enjoy peace, and restore our self-respect.
This has been the experience of the Irish rock band, U2. Now their music may or may not be your cup of tea. However, their lead singer, Bono, is an internationally respected advocate for the world’s poor and needy. He even met with Pope John Paul II about these issues, and I happen to know for a fact that he’s on Cardinal McCarrick’s Christmas card list. With refreshing honesty, Bono attributes his activism, at least in part, to guilt. “One thing I am very sure about,” he admits, is that I’m a spoiled rock star.” “I’m over-paid, over-nourished, and over-dressed. And I’m sure that the work that the band and I do is some kind of Catholic guilt. But it’s working, so I’ll continue with it!”
Guilt, in other words, can be a good thing. Unfortunately, it has something of a “bad rap” there days. Pop psychology tries to convince us that guilt is unhealthy. It’s something we need to ignore or eliminate so we can feel good about ourselves! In reality, however, a person unable to feel guilt is not healthy, but a sociopath.
Now this is not to say that there’s not unhealthy guilt. There certainly is! Guilt is unhealthy when we cling to it long after we should have let it go. When we endlessly beat ourselves up for something we did long ago, and keep ourselves from getting on with life, our guilt is unhealthy.
Unhealthy guilt can also arise when we forget that although we are responsible for our actions, we are NOT responsible for how other people respond or react to what we do. In other words, just because someone is angry with us does not mean that we’ve actually done something wrong. Just because we feel guilty doesn’t mean that we ARE guilty.
Another source of unhealthy guilt is perfectionism. When we set impossible standards for ourselves and fail to meet them, we feel guilty as a result. But if you think about it, this really is pride at work, because sometimes it’s easier to feel guilty than it is to admit that we’re less than perfect.
Healthy guilt, on the other hand, is a sign that our conscience is active and that we’re in touch with reality. It means, at a very fundamental level, that we can tell right from wrong. Healthy guilt leads us to change our behavior; it compels us to repair any damage we may have done, or heal any hurt we may have caused; and it moves us to seek the forgiveness of God, the forgiveness of others, and to forgive ourselves. Healthy guilt does not keep us trapped in the past. Instead, it inspires us to move forward and build a better future.
When we feel guilty, there are some things we can and should do to address the situation. First of all, we need to take a long, hard look at our guilt and see if it is healthy or unhealthy. If it is unhealthy, we need to make a conscious effort to gently, firmly, and consistently stop the thought patterns that contribute to our guilt.
If our guilt is healthy, however, we need to bring it before God by making a good confession in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. If guilt makes us feel bad, then making a confession can certainly make us feel good! But confession is more than just about feelings. It’s about liberating us from the past and healing our friendship with God, which in turn gives us hope for the future.
Second, facing our guilt should impel us to try to make up for the wrongs we’ve done. Sometimes this springs from a penance given in confession. At other times, however, it comes from our own initiative. In practice, perhaps we can directly redress some harm we’ve caused, such as by asking forgiveness from a person we’ve hurt. Or maybe the best we can do is simply add to the world’s goodness, knowing that we’re responsible for some of the world’s hurt. I know of a woman who felt terribly guilty after refusing to help a homeless woman with a sick child in her arms. She never did see that woman again. But now she never refuses her help to those who need it.
My friends, the bottom line is: If you are feeling guilty this morning, please don’t ignore it, and please don’t cling to it. Instead, give it to Jesus. There is nothing he cannot or will not forgive! And he can use your guilt to change you, so you in turn can change your world.
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